It’s been one rejection after another this past month.  The most striking of which is on the job front.  Several years ago I worked at the university library for a two year full time contract.  After that I stayed on for a bit as a casual.  Well a position came up in the same department with the same people as I worked with before.  I thought great – I can get and do this job.

Not even an interview.   Nothing.  They don’t even want to consider me.  I didn’t realize I had made such a bad impression.

On the personal front, my boyfriend of the past 9 years decided this was a good time to stop talking to me.  I haven’t heard from him in over a week.  But I shouldn’t be surprised.  He is a “good time guy,” great when things are going well, absent when they are not.

Coupled with m previously mentioned loss of friends I find myself alone with my dog Henry.  Thank God for dogs.  If it wasn’t for Henry asking me to take him for his walks, I don’t think I would get up at all.  My whole body aches and I seem content to sit and stare into space.

It occurs to me that my life has been one of self-delusion.  Prior to my diagnosis, trying to live up to the “fact” that there was nothing wrong with me.  Post diagnosis, trying to comes to terms with the knowledge that there is something wrong and it is not my fault that I have not been able to live up to my and others’ expectations of me.

As an recently diagnosed, 44 year-old, autistic woman with no friends or job I have no idea where I fit into the world, or even if I do at all.